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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in julie's LiveJournal:

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    Monday, June 22nd, 2009
    7:54 pm
    not enough talk about our fellow americans in turmoil- jon and kate (plus 8)
    I am tired of all the talk about Iran. Those riots are none of our business. Frankly, I find it entirely anti-American. Don't you know that Americans are suffering? Two very important, influential, affluent, amazingly awesome Americans pop to my mind. They're called Jon and Kate. And they are American heroes whose lives are falling apart. But do you care? You probably wont even watch their special TV show tonight. you're too busy looking at gruesome videos from the Iran riots. Where is your HEART?! JON AND KATE NEED OUR LOVE! NOT IRANIAN PEOPLE!


    Jon and Kate's marriage is in shambles, and you don't care one bit!!!


    I'm just....appalled. Where is your patriotism?
    Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
    10:29 pm
    how dare they.
    Protests rage over potential Texting ban

    By Jenny 'twitter: JennyB' Hortense


    The Massachusetts senate recently approved an amendment that will ban drivers from texting. Fellow drivers, this is an outrage. And quite frankly, banning textings puts our lives at risk.

    Imagine this scenario: You're a 30 year old man. You're driving in your modest car to your modest car and drinking your modest coffee. Maybe you're fiddling with your modest radio. Suddenly, you hear that familar and beloved BEEP BEEP. You've received a text! Normally, you would simply reach into your pocket and begin texting away while zooming down the highway at 65 MPH. No biggie. The text was simply a cheerful 'how r u' from your pregnant wife.

    But, consider this horrible, horrible scenario, in a world where texting is not allowed when you're operating a giant metal object that is flying down the road at top speeds, speeds humans were never meant to reach:

    The familiar BEEP BEEP startles you out of your intense concentration on driving. However, you quickly remember that texting is banned. A lofty fine awaits anyone who's even gazing lovingly at a vibrating cell phone on their passenger seat. So, you continue driving.

    Well, guess what? That text was from your WIFE. YOUR PREGNANT WIFE! she sent you a text, during some pretty PAINFUL contractions, to tell you to meet her at the hospital! Sadly, because you waited 20 minutes until you were safely parked in your driveway before you looked at your phone, your wife GAVE BIRTH WITHOUT YOU THERE! Granted, she broke the hospital's all-time record by giving birth in less than 15 minutes, but STILL. YOU COULD HAVE MADE IT JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE DOCTOR CIRCIMCIZE YOUR BABY. You selfish jerk. Next time, pull out that phone WHENEVER it beeps. I dont care if you're a surgeon and performed open heart surgery. All text messages are equally important. If we ban texting, we put our lives in danger. So, please. Text. And never stop.
    10:08 pm
    pride and prejudice and zombies
    hi

    So, gay marriage just ain't happening in California.

    Can someone explain this to me?

    Who even gets married anymore? Where is this marriage thing still a sacred union between two heterosexual people?! I hate when people say marriage is a sacred institution! It IS NOT! It's a joke now! Straight people don't even wanna get married! They just do it because it starts to feel weird when you've been dating someone for a long time. There, naturally, has to be another step.

    Hm. Should we take a month long cruise together and tour the world? Eh, too expensive. And I only get two weeks paid vacation.

    How about we buy a dog or something? Oh. you're allergic.

    Should we breed? Oh, right. You dont want to pass on your schizophrenic genes.

    How 'bout we get married?! Might as well! We've been living together since the Clinton Administration! Ew, did you hear that gays want the right to marry? freaks. it's just not...NATURAL! It's not RIGHT! It's not how God MADE us!....oh, be right back, my cell phone is ringing. And i do believe it's time for my life-saving insulin shot. Bah, gay marriage! It just isn't natural!
    Sunday, May 24th, 2009
    11:14 am
    life confuses me
    Some people are morally opposed to keeping household pets. They believe it's cruel to keep, for instance, cats in your house. The typical household cat shouldn't even be on this continent, so they just think it's gosh darn WRONG to trap Fluffy in your apartment and feed Fluffy the same boring Kibble every day.

    But I bet some of these people throw their human babies into daycare.

    You feel bad because Fluffy was declawed and lives in a comfy apartment instead of the sweltering dessert. But you don't give a shit that little Bobby just got circumsized and spends half of his formative years in a daycare center with a bunch of strangers.


    life is too confusing


    In about 100 years, I think that scientists will be able to grow meat in laboratories. What will happen to PETA?

    It will turn into PAELMBIROAMSFT

    People Against Eating Laboratory Meat Because It's Reminiscent Of Actual Meat, So Fuck That.
    Saturday, May 9th, 2009
    12:34 am
    celebz
    I think it's so dumb that people who decide to breed a crapload of times get their own reality shows. There should be a reality show called John and Kate don't have eight. It will be about a CHILDFREE couple who SCOFF at large families. Of course, the show will be a little scripted. We'll throw a wacky young hoodlum into the mix.

    Will childfree John and Kate change their anti-kid ways when they encounter free spirit, pogs loving Hortense?


    "Hortense! Stop it with the pogs and the hula hoop and the comic book reading!"

    oh yea, Hortense is from the 50s. She was beamed into the 2000s accidentally. A local scientist was experimenting on a time machine and Hortense was the test subject.

    Did pogs exist in the 50s?
    Monday, April 27th, 2009
    2:12 pm
    a day
    Friday, the federal government gave us lowly Medicare B workers a big raise because evil EDS wasn't paying us enough. Today, we go into work and are told to wait outside. The power went out on Saturday, and they were using a generator...and they sorta forgot to turn it off. Uhhh. Wow. We had to stand outside for two hours while they got some oil for the generator and did a bunch of other crap. Eventually, they sent us home. woo hoo? Wonder how much money the company lost today. It's sort of their own fault for laying off all the maintenance people. Oh, economy.

    So, I decide to get my car inspected. Obviously, it failed again. Exhaust problem! Again. Just like last year. It felt nostalgic.

    Then I went to Wal-mart. The cashier said hi to me, then sorta whispered, 'ma'am, i don't want to alarm you, but i think you are being stalked.'

    That was the weirdest thing anyone has ever said to me in a Wal-Mart. Yep.

    Turns out I wasn't being stalked. I guess that's good.
    Saturday, April 25th, 2009
    7:28 pm
    I hate when someone is drinking coffee in a TV show, but it's so obvious that the mug is empty. How hard is it to just use actual coffee? i am outraged and feel quite deceived, to be honest with u. Why is life so fucking hard. Am I going to get swine flu?


    I think life is hard. Sometimes I think it's stupid that I get so upset about things, because the sun is going to explode in 4 billions years, and nothing i ever did will matter. I am not being depressed, it is simply science. must you hate science? Even if God really did create the whole universe, you know he'd get so fucking pissed at us one day and just blow up the sun.


    sometimes people say 'fucking people today have no morals! people are so fat! people are so slutty! people are obsessed with their technology' but people never complain about air conditioners. How come no one ever says 'back in my day, we didn't have no fucking air conditioners. We were tough. We sweat it out. LITERALLY. You wimps don't even know what sweat feels like. I miss the days before air conditioners'

    I would LOVE to hear an old person call up a radio show and bitch about that. It'd be hilarious.
    Sunday, April 19th, 2009
    8:49 pm
    i want to meet a 22 year old life coach
    Saturday, April 11th, 2009
    7:59 pm
    crushed!
    New technology always destroys old dreams. This is a FACT. A scientific fact! The computer crushed Bobby Jorgen's dream of opening a typewriter store called Type N Away. when other children were playing hopscotch and presumbably texting each other (they had cell phones in the 70s, right?) little Bobby was busy writing letters to the famous men of the typewriter world. He'd often ask how much money they initally invested in their companies, how many employees they hired, and which repair companies they used when typewriters went awry (surely, this was a rarity! He would add)

    finally, in 1988, bobby graduated with a graduate's degree from Typewriting Institute of Littleton, New Hampshire. It was the only typewriting school in America. Surely, that spoke volumes about the school's awesomeness. It CRUSHED all competition! So, with 70,000 dollars of student loan debt and a dream, Bobby walked into the bank with his hands held out. Proudly, of course.

    Sadly, the loan officer looked perplexed by Bobby's reason for wanting this loan.

    "surely, you're joking, Mr. Jorgens?" Asked the loan officer, as he typed away on a computer.

    "No. So, am I approved for my loan so I can open Type N Away?"

    10 years later, Bobby was found dead, covered in typewriters...his suicide note, (written on a typewriter) read:

    One day your stupid computers will being sentient and KILL YOU ALL!"

    Okay, that ending is morbid. whatever. feel free to use this ending instead.


    10 years later, Bobby was found working an IT job for Microsoft. He was happy as a 1960s era typewriter salesman!


    Well, the newspaper industry is now dying. Annie Borgerton is suffering the same fate as Bobby. Let me tell you about her tragic tale. It won't end in death, or working IT for Microsoft. Well, it might eventually. But annie is still quite young. anyway!


    The year is 1993. Annie Borgerton is a precocious 8 year old living in Hopperville, Massachusetts. While the other children play hopscotch and twitter each other (that sounds dirty. twitter existed then, right?) Annie is busy reading the Boston Newspaper in her room. A pile of old Boston Newspaper covers Annie's bedroom floor.

    Her mother would often say "Annie! For God's sake, you're worse than Grandpa Horbert! Look at this mess of old newspapers!" Annie would just roll her eyes.

    "Mom. The Boston Newspaper is my passion! One day, I will WRITE for the Newspaper! I will be the best writer the Newspaper has ever had!"

    Her mother would smile. How could a mother not smile? Sure, her daughter was an insufferable slob (she also kept Boston Newspaper all over the bathroom. Explain that one) but she was just so passionate about writing. It was refreshing. Most children were only passionate about twittering each other and surfing Myspace (did that exist? Yes, I believe it was in beta mode back in 1993)

    zoom forward past all those crappy school years. yea yea. Annie gets kissed. annie gets dumped for a girl with boobs. annie joins the soccer team and KICKS ASS! Annie writes for the school paper. Annie has a pregnancy scare. Annie graduates and attends the best journalism school in the country....and finally, we arrive at April 2009

    Annie is fucking pumped. All her years of hard work are going to pay off! Annie was about to stroll right into the Boston Newspaper headquarters and ask for a job.

    Of course, Annie wasn't a typical job applicant. Those boring people applied on the boring internet. (Annie never did care for that internet crap. Who needs pervos viewing your photos on the world wide web? and what's the deal with online bill pay? What do you have against the post office? Tryin' to put people out of work?)

    Annie walked into the Newspaper holding a box of old newspapers. This would prove that Annie always had a love for the Newspaper. She kept copies from 1993! Also, Annie brought a copy of a 1995 essay she wrote for Ms. Jenn's class. It was titled "Gotta Love That Newspaper!" and won second place in the essay contest. Stupid Cassie Bo won for her essay called "Divorce Hurts" all about how her parents' divorce really hurt her. She only won because the teachers felt bad for her. That essay had so many run-on sentences and fragments!

    So, anyway, Annie strolled up the receptionist's desk. Hm. Where was the receptionist?

    "Excuse me, the receptionist was laid off. Just use that phone list and ring the person you want to see." said a man holding a box of possessions.

    "Do you work here?" annie asked.

    "Used to."

    Five minutes later, Annie was sitting across from a Boston Newspaper head honcho. Honestly, he looked a little perturbed. But why, Annie wondered? Isn't he excited to meet with some fresh, new talent for his world renowned paper?

    "Annie, is this a joke?" The man rubbed his eyes. annie noticed that his dress shirt was wrinkled and lacking a tie.

    "Sir, I just want to write for the best newspaper in the world! I can make a real difference. Newspapers have been a vital part of society FOREVER. That will never change. What is better than waking up with a fresh cup of coffee and the feeling of a newspaper in your hands as the sun shines through your window? Even as a child, I loved my newspaper. It brings communities together. It holds all the information you need-"

    "Annie. That is really lovely. really. But, I'm afraid you've been a bit out of touch.."

    Annie's eyes widened. What? Out of touch? Annie?!

    "How?! I read the newspaper! I am informed!" annie was flustered now. She was hardly ever flustered! Even when she read that essay in front of her Journalism class a few years ago. The essay was titled "Newspapers: Here for decades to come." Now that she thought back, the other students sure seemed perplexed. And now that she thought back, that blonde girl got lots of applause for her essay "The internet: destroyer of the newspaper."

    It was over before it ever began. Her dream was murdered by the world wide web she heard such great things about.

    "Listen, Annie. I can see that you're hurting. Well, we have a great part-time opportunity. How would you feel about deleting obscene comments left by our posters on the Newspaper website?"

    Annie gasped. "I did not spend 80,000 dollars to delete COMMENTS! Goodbye!"

    Annie left her box of old Newspaper on the floor and fled the room, straight into the new world. This new world didn't involve her beloved newspaper. This world was cold and new. She must accept that.

    "Well. I guess I'll buy a computer."

    15 years later, Annie was dead. JUST KIDDING! Annie got into prostitution. It paid way more than she'd ever make from some newspaper job, anyway

    or you can pick this happy ending:

    Annie worked for the Huffington Post online. This job only paid 100 dollars a week, but that's okay, because Annie married the guy who created Craigslist!
    6:46 pm
    Writer's Block: Confidences

    Who do you think it is easier to talk about your problems with: your friends, your family, or strangers?


    View other answers



    strangers. everyone else is secretly pissed that you're so problem-y and bringing everyone down. Tell all of your problems to a drunk person on the train. They will not judge you. They will not even remember you in the morning! Plus, you'll save tons of money by not seeing a psychiatrist. it's win win for all. Except the drunk. And the psychiatrist, cuz they wont get your money...okay, it's just win for you.
    Monday, April 6th, 2009
    6:02 pm
    Brevity is....wit.
    Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
    7:28 pm
    oldd
    I'm almost 24. the only reason it scares me is because women are pretty much considered old at 30. I'm inching closer....


    Now that I'm old, I think I'll answer the age-old question: Should 16 year olds be able to drive?

    I remember when I was 15, the state was threatening to raise the driving age to 17. Kids were so pissed. It's kind of funny to think about now, because 6 months is NOT a long time. But it's fucking forever when you're 15. So, of course I was SO ANGRY! at the thought that I wouldn't be able to drive at 16 1/2! I was plenty mature to drive a car! PLENTY!

    Now what do I think about teen driving at my ripe old age of 23 (almost 24 lol omg wild e-party for me next month)?

    16 year olds should be able to drive.

    WHY?! The whole world is anticipating my answer.....well, world...


    because 16 year olds have places to go. that's it. teenagers are busy. most of them work, go to school and play some sport. so let them drive. Yea, teenagers are more reckless than older people. it's just because teen brains are still developing. so police should just actually enforce the 'no driving between 12 and 5am' rule, and i don't see the big deal. oh, and we need to ban text messaging while driving. i've seen retard adults texting while driving, so i can't just blame the teens. there is NO fucking excuse. sometimes you really need to take or make a phone call while driving. but when the HELL do you need to make an emergency text?!

    OH SHIT, I FORGOT TO TELL BERTHA TO FEED THE CAT. BETTER TYPE THIS OUT- CRASH.

    why the hell did i write this. i like blueberry pie with whipped cream on top.
    Saturday, March 28th, 2009
    9:59 pm
    god post
    Why would God purposely make some of us nonbelievers? It does not make any sense at all.

    But we must accept it. And I believe this is how it goes down in heaven when he creates a new baby for this overpopulated, dirty earth. Can't he just put some of us on another planet by now? He can create another Earth right next to the current earth. there can be a moving walkway that connects the two Earths. It'll feel like you're in the airport.

    The creation of two twins:

    Angel: God, Jenny and Bob from Arkansas are trying for another baby.
    God (in the middle of watching Desperate Housewives on his big screen tv....6000 INCHES WIDTH. jealous, you lowly human?) oh geez. This'll make baby number 6 for those people! All right. Meet me in the baby making room.

    God and the angel swoop into a large cloud next door. This is where ALL creation starts. In this room you'll find a box of legos and 400 copies of old Rolling Stone magazines. Do not question His ways.

    God: Let's see. I would like to bless these fine folks with yet another girl. The husband desperately wants a son, but that shall not be. He must learn anguish. He must learn suffering.
    Angel: God, you're so wise. This man will be ever so grateful in the end.
    God: No, actually, he's going to hell.
    Angel: But why, God?
    God: He masturbates, Angel!
    Angel: Oh my..
    God: Anyway. Let's see. I'd like to bless these folks with a girl...no, wait. TWINS! One of these girls will be 5'8, blonde, green eyes and sing wonderfully. This will be her calling in life. I want her to sing gospel music. She'll sing my praises until the day she dies. I can't wait to meet her in 88 years, angel.
    Angel: And the other girl?
    God: what? what other girl? Angel, you need a break. Go watch some Bret Michaels on VH1. Can you believe I have to let him into heaven in 10 years? He doesn't break any of the rules!
    Angel: God, you said you want to make twins for this couple..
    God: Oh right. I can't believe I forgot. That's the last time I'm buying my weed from Bob Marley...Okay, let's make the next girl, well, pretty much indentical in looks. But. She'll be an Atheist. Hardcore. She'll doubt my existence from the second her brain starts to leave child mode...can you believe this girl? She'll spend a lifetime looking for answers about the meaning of life if there is no heaven...she'll read the bible and SCOFF! SCOFF! Sure, I scoff, too. They got so much wrong. But she has NO RIGHT! I am so angry...Hurry, create these two before I start to cry!

    :)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thursday, March 5th, 2009
    10:12 pm
    sick of breathing? there's an app for that
    Stupid Iphone. I'M SICK OF THE COMMERCIALS! La de da, there's an app that can tell me how many calories are in a twinkie. And look at me! I'm 400 pounds! SURE, Twinkie might list the nutritional facts on every package, but that isn't ENOUGH! The package can't call my aunt AND give me directions to the dentist. Fuck that package. It knows nothing. Thank you, Iphone.
    You hold all the answers. My brain is no longer needed. Except for creating dreams when I sleep....where's the app for that!


    but.

    I thought of a few new awesome apps for the Iphone. Ever see those annoying commercials where the guy is all 'ever wonder how long you could hold your breath under water...while ordering pizza? there's an app for that' well, i thought of some new apps for this man to tell us about



    APPS!


    Do you want a new app but youre too lazy to download it?

    There's an app for that.


    Are you really embarrassed when you're walking around with some lame-ass obsolete Iphone, but you're too poor to buy a new one every few months, but really wish the Iphone had a button you could press that would self-destruct the Iphone, then automatically bill your credit card for a new Iphone and ship you the new Iphone ASAP?

    There's an app for that.


    Do you wish you had an app that could bath, feed and clothe you every morning?

    There's no app for that. You lazy asshole.



    question of the day.

    could a vegan eat GM foods that use genes from fish? How would they even know which foods not to eat? American companies aren't required to tell you when they've genetically modified their foods.


    Scary things:

    Fat free ricotta cheese. yuuuuum. Let's go cook up a taste-free lasagna. Half the fat, none of the flavor.


    It seems weird that someday humans will live to 150, but women will still have to give birth in their 20s and 30s. If people live to 150, our adolesence should extend to age 40.

    "I was crazy back in my youth...partying, sleeping around, no respect for my elders...give me break. I was only 35. Then, one day during college...I believe i was 40 at that point...i finally grew up and got married. 20 years later, my son was born..yes, i know, i know...i was a bit young to be a dad....."
    Wednesday, February 25th, 2009
    5:34 pm
    Yea, I quit my stay at home envelope stuffing job. You know why? To put it BLUNTLY, I was sick of the bullshit.



    First of all, I have to log into the Envelope Stuffers R Us employee website at 8AM! In the MORNING! that is such bullshit. I wearily trudge to my computer at 8:00am. My computer is all the way downstairs, and I sleep on a futon in the attic- How the hell do they expect me to arrive to work on time?!

    so i take a quickie break at 8:20am and drive to Dunkie's for a large french vanilla regular and 3 boston creme donuts. at 8:45am I return home. I get an e-mail from my boss. He is all

    "Y you not envelope stuff for 20 minute we waiting"

    My boss sucks so badly. He's in some foreign country..I forget. Baghdad or some shit? Anyway, he's ALWAYS on my case about the envelopes. All of the envelope contents are written in some foreign language- who cares?! I dont read the stuff!

    Ok so at 12pm I call up Berty, my friend, and we head to D'angelos for large roasted turkey subs with all the works and some sodas.

    at 1:30pm I finally go back to work, and man, the envelopes are pilled high! I thought I did tons this morning? Oh wait. I did surf craigslist for like 2 hours straight. That ass_munch troll is a hoot! Who can resist his posts?

    at 2pm, my boss sends me an email, demanding I take a drug test right now. He says my typing seems "loopy, out of it, not sober" so I trudge to UrineSamples4life

    and I failed.

    Yea, I failed

    SO HE FIRED ME!

    this is such bullshit! I WAS THE BEST EVER.

    Now where will i find another 1,000 per year envelope stuffing job?? anyone know??



    Thought of the minute-

    When I was a kid, I thought adults knew how to run the world. I thought adults knew everything about life.

    Kids are so dumb.
    Thursday, February 19th, 2009
    11:25 pm
    omg i am so old i just turned 143.
    Monday, February 2nd, 2009
    8:54 pm
    Truth or Dare: Adults only

    "I don't want you to embarrass yourself on TV, Jessica. Is it really worth the money? I remember on one episode they dared a guy to call into his job and quit...for 20,000 dollars. And he did it! CHRIST. After taxes, that's not even enough to pay off a year's worth of student loans.."

    She thought for a moment that he knocked some sense into her. It was possible she could walk away from that humiliating reality game show with a big check for 60,000 dollars, but what horrible acts would need to be commited? Was money really worth public shame?

    A few minutes later, Jessica's student loan bills and credit card statement arrived in the mailbox.

    It's worth it.

    "I'm doing this for us! I'm not going to be able to buy a house with you with all of these debts hanging over my head. Can't you see that? Don't you want to move out of this crappy apartment by the time we're 28?" Jessica let the words flow easily, but she wasn't listening to herself. Why couldn't he stop pacing the room like that? Why did he make everything into such a big freaking deal

    "But Jessica. The internet. The internet! Someone will post your embarrassing TV appearance to Youtube, and you'll be forever immortalized on the god damned internet. Now, is that worth it?" He was beginning to look exasperated.

    Each new sentence he uttered made his face more red. Jessica felt a tinge of guilt. She was certain he was afraid she'd embarrass him somehow on the television show.

    "Listen, whatever i say or do on that show will be a bunch of bullshit,' she told him later that night while they ate Stouffers lasagna for dinner. "And maybe after I win, I'll buy a cookbook and learn how to make real lasgna." She looked up and saw him crack a smile for the first time in days.

    The next day, Jessica called a cab and headed off to the airport. She was heading off to Reali-TV studio in Burbank, California to appear on the hit reality TV show Truth or Dare: Adults Only.

    "Doesn't that TV title sound a little dirty? Don't worry, I won't reveal your fetishes' she joked while they read over the rules of the TV show. He looked at her disapprovingly. Why can't he just relax? She was starting to wonder more often. Maybe the pressure of having to deal with her massive debt was getting to him.

    'Well, some of us had to actually pay for our crappy, useless degrees. Mom and daddy didn't bail us out..' Jessica muttered a little too loudly. A few passengers on the airplane glanced her way. Glance away, she thought, you people won't be 60,000 dollars richer by tomorrow. I will.

    "Jessica? Hi, I'm the producer."

    The producer led Jessica to a room. Five other girls, all in their early 20s, were huddled around a little table and drinking. Jessica's eyes traveled to the long table of assorted liqour bottles.

    "Wait, we can drink before the show? Jessica watched the producer suppress a smirk. He straighened out his lips and motioned toward the lone bottle of Soda at the end of the table.

    "If you're a sober girl, you can always drink some nice, warm Pepsi."

    The other girls stiffled giggles, except one obviously tipsy girl. She let out a brusque snort.

    "You afraid of a little booze? God, some people are such stiffs." Brusque snort girl took another shot of cheap vodka and let out a burp loud enough to rival her snort.

    Jessica could just imagine the look on his face if he knew she was sitting in a little room with a bunch of drunks, all of them getting liqoured up before getting on stage to embarrass themselves in front of America.

    Jessica stared at snort girl. It seemed unlikely that snort girl would remember any of the words she was about to say, or that she would remember being in this room at all, but she spoke anyway.

    "I'm not a stiff. I'm here to prove to a stiff back home that I'm sick and tired of floating in debt." Jessica walked toward the table of half empty liqour bottles and barely touched mixers.

    "Cranberry and vodka is my favorite."

    Three blurry hours later, the producer reappeared. Jessica had started to notice the sounds outside of the room getting louder and louder until it was obvious that the studio was filled. The vodka left her unable to grasp the reality of the situation. Here she was, about to sit in front of millions of people, drunk, and tell her secrets for money.

    "You first" The producer pointed to the snorty girl. She burped once more and waved sloppily to the other girls.

    "How long you think she'll be?" One girl asked another.

    "Let's hope not too long. I need fuckin' cash." The girl took a long swig of her soda. Jessica noticed this girl had switched over to just soda over an hour ago. Her cloudy brain was wishing she had done the same.

    Loud groans from the audience suddenly interrupted Jessica's thoughts. One girl opened the door. Snorty ran into the room and puked all over the floor.

    "No cash. Pack your stuff and go back to your hotel. You. Next.'

    Soda drinker's face light up instantly. Jessica couldnt remember the last time she saw an adult's face light up like that. Depression started to swoop over her. Great. One of alcohol's less fun effects.

    The remaining girls moved their chairs far away from the vomit-spewn section of the floor. Just when she thought she was about to create her very own vomit-spewn section of the floor, the janitor appeared and speedily mopped up the mess. Jessica felt the urge to chat with a human that wasn't about to lose their dignity on a TV show.

    Her brain searched for something normal to say. Why was conversing such a feat when she was drunk?

    "Do you like working here?" The words broke the awkward silence that had commenced the second this janitor walked in to clean up a stranger's vomit.'

    The mopping stopped.

    "Do I like...mopping up your vomit?" The janitor didn't look up. He stopped mopping but kept staring at the dirty floor.

    "I didn't mean that.."

    "I mop up vomit. Oh, and a few minutes ago I cleaned some toilets. But you know what I don't have to do? I don't have to get on that stage and destroy my dignity. And I don't have to get on that stage and do something to hurt my friends and family for a measly 10,000 dollars. Oh, and guess how many videos of me have gone viral on Youtube? None. I might mop up your regurgiated cosmos, but i don't have to go on that stage. Now excuse me. I've got some urinals to scrub."

    "OKAY, YOU, NEXT!" Jessica barely had time to process the janitor's speech. All she wanted was a little 'oh, I hate it here! Good luck with your show' but instead, she gets a guilt trip. what did he know about her life? I'm sure he doesn't know the burden of student loans. That's why he's a janitor. Won't people just-

    "YOU! Get out of that chair!" The producer reached for Jessica's hands and she was out of the seat and walking into the studio before her brain could catch up.

    The audience's screams rattled against her skull. Her cranberry and vodka filled stomach lurched nervously.

    The host led Jessica to the center of the room and pointed her to a comfortable-looking black leather chair. He sat across from her in an equally comfortable-looking green leather chair. Between them was a table with a cell phone on top.

    "Thirty seconds!"

    "You know the drill. Right?" The host quickly glanced at Jessica, hoping she wouldn't respond.

    The audience continued to roar.

    "Please don't puke like that last girl. Seriously. You can hold it in.' The host didn't bother glancing this time. He was straightening his tie.

    "Okay, we're on air.'

    The host stared into one of the cameras and flashed his expensively white teeth. The audience exchanged their roar for clapping.

    "Welcome back! We're here with our next player, Jessica! She's ready for America's favorite game show, Truth or Dare!"

    He turned to another camera. His face changed from jovial to attempted sexy.

    "Adults only.'

    The audience roared. Some hooted. Some hollered.

    "Okay! Let's get started! Jessica, the rules, as you know, are simple! I will ask you truth or dare. You'll pick. Then I'll pick a random audience member to ask you a question or give you a dare to complete. You win 5,000 dollars for each task your complete. And, you can win 40,000 dollars INSTANTLY if the SUPER LUCKY audience member is picked! But, be prepared. This truth or dare will be EXTRA tough! Ready? Okay!"

    Jessica felt a tiny bit ashamed that the audience was actually getting her pumped up for this ridiculous game. Do it for yourself. Do this for your future. Do this to get rid of the debt.

    The host smiled at Jessica and stared patiently after he asked 'truth or dare?"

    "Well...dare, I guess." Maybe this way she could avoid saying anything embarrassing.

    The host pointed his finger toward the eager crowd. He stopped his finger at one guy wearing a T-shirt that read 'Mike's 21st birthday pub crawl.'

    "Jessica, I dare you to..."

    The audience waited in anticipation. Jessica's stomach couldn't wait for a bathroom.

    "kiss me on the lips!"

    The audience's signature roar filled the room again as the young man made his way down towards the center of the stage.

    Oh crap, Jessica thought. This was bad. But its an instant 10,000 dollars. Her boyfriend couldn't be THAT mad.

    After the pub crawl enthusiast was done attempted to stick his tongue down her throat, and the audience stopped roaring, Jessica's stomach assured her that her boyfriend would be anything but okay.


    But this wasn't about him right now. This was about her piles of debt. This was about her.

    "You've got it, Jessica! 10,000 bucks!" The host leaned over for a high five. The audience laughed whe Jessica missed and nearly knocked over the cell phone sitting on the table. She really hoped she wouldnt need to use that phone..

    "Okay, audience! Get ready!"

    The familar finger roamed the audience again, searching for someone who would ask the most outrageous truth. Jessica hoped to avoid another tongue in the mouth by dealing with a racy question this time.

    This time a woman was chosen. She looked about 35. Her two young kids next to her jumped up and down in excitement.

    "Mommy's gonna ask a real tough one!" She told her little girl while they jumped up and down together holding hands. When the audience stopped its famous roar, the woman stopped jumping and faced Jessica. Her face suddenly turned very serious.

    "Do you think you'd ever get breast implants? You look a little small there."

    The signature roar didn't filled the audience this time, just a big round of gasps.

    The host snuck a not-so-secret peek at Jessica's boobs. The Cameraman didn't hide his peek at her boobs. All of America would get to see a close-up.

    Jessica had two choices. Answer this question or run up there and punch the woman. One choice will result in 10,000 dollars. the other results in more years of debt.

    She waited for the audience to shut up before she responded. The woman was still standing, starting to look annoyed for having to wait so long for an answer.

    "Yes."

    The audience groaned. The woman rolled her eyes. Jessica felt much richer.

    "We'll be right back after the break!" The host's unnaturally white teeth made a quick appearance and sudden disappearance as he turned his attention to Jessica.

    "You better stop with the boring answers or I'm going to kick you off. We'll just say you suddenly felt ill. Don't fuck with us, Jessica. You're during a dare next time, and it better be good."

    A few seconds later, the show returned from break. Jessica readied herself for any humilation that would inevitably be thrown her way. This was for her. This was for her future.

    "Oh my, I've picked the super lucky audience member! Jessica, that's instantly 40,000 dollars if you do the dare!"

    The super lucky audience member was a 12 year old girl. Well, this shouldn't be too bad, Jessica thought. What kind of warped dare would a 12 year old make me do? Text message some super hottie?

    The 12 year old pointed to the cell phone on the table.

    "Do you want me to text message a hot guy?" Jessica couldn't believe she actually said her thought aloud. She realized that the vodka was still happily floating around in her body. The audience laughed and the 12 year old groaned.

    "I DARE you to text HELP to my friend's number, 555-4545. He'll be so mad!" The girl giggled.

    "Are you kidding? Whatever.." Jessica sent the text and set down the phone. That was an easy 10k.

    A few seconds later, the phone began to ring.

    "Haha, better pick it up!"

    "Hello?"

    "This is the police, we received a text from you-"

    Jessica panicked and threw the phone down. The audience's roar returned. The host's pearly white teeth made another appearance. The 12 year old gave Jessica the finger. And Jessica's fingers lunged for the preteen's neck.

    "I'm here to see Jessica"

    "Right down the hall, sir."

    The boyfriend carried a box of chocolates and a get well soon teddy bear to the hospital room that contained the girl with debt.

    "So, how's your arm? Hey, don't feel bad...that girl was pretty big. She probably could've broke my arm!"

    "And a 12 year old could also break your nose? And pull down your pants in front of America?"

    The boyfriend sat at the edge of the bed. He suddenly burst out in laughter.

    "What?!" Jessica said, annoyed.

    "Jessica, this hospital visit, and the 12 year old's mother's lawsuit against you..do you know what all of these means?"

    "What?"

    He got up from the bed and put his hand on her shoulder.

    "MORE DEBT!"

    But Jessica didn't cry. Jessica didn't roll her eyes. She laughed. She laughed hysterically.

    "Hey, guess this means I won't learn how to make real lasagna, huh?"
    Saturday, December 27th, 2008
    11:28 pm
    bumper sticker mayhem
    Today I saw Crazy Catholic again.

    Let me tell you about Crazy Catholic.

    This tale begins waaay back in 2006.....times were so different back then, huh?

    I was not 23 back then. I was 21.
    The Iphone was still being invented in some top secret cell phone lab on a top secret island.
    The Simpsons movie wasn't released yet.

    Yea, actually, I guess not much has happened in these two years. Eh. Cept the presidential election. Oh whatever, that happens every 4 years.

    So anyway. Back to my thrilling story.


    I was driving in a car. This car happened to be a Corolla. I noticed that the car in front of me was also a Corolla! What are the odds of that? No one drives Toyotas! Well, I thought about pulling to the left of this Corolla driver and giving them the ol 'hey, we have the same car!' thumbs up sign, (ok i dont really do that but i think people who drive smart cats do cuz you never see those things around here right?) but that would have caused me to potentially slam into a car going in the opposite direction. Well, after I was finished admiring the word COROLLA on the back of this car, I moved my eyes about 2 inches to the left and noticed a bumper sticker! Will it be one of those zany bumper stickers that reveals the driver's love of coffee and hatred of monday mornings? Maybe it'll just be a bumper sticker promoting the hit music station KISS 108. But.........


    I was incorrect.

    This bumper sticker stated 'You can't be pro-choice and Catholic.'

    What?! Well, I was suddenly glad that I didnt give this woman the 'hey we have the same car' thumbs up. Fuck this woman! Its my firm belief that the words God, pro-choice, abortion, penis, socialism, and homosexual should NEVER be placed on a car bumper in sticker form.

    I thought that was the end of the bumper sticker idiocy. I thought I could just shrug my fist angrily and think of warm thoughts....puppies. cats and puppies. cats, puppies and genetically modified rabbits that look like cats and puppies. bumper stickers with cats on them. Cats covered in bumper stickers with cats on them.

    But, as usual, I was wrong. So wrong.

    Another bumper sticker stated 'Catholic is the only way to be.'


    Listen random bumper sticker person. Catholic is not the only way to be. It's just a WAY to be. Go have your jesus wafers, creepy, awkward confessions with priests, boring-ass sunday mass. But some of us prefer DIFFERENT ways to be.


    Some of us like to knock on your door with pamphlets about salvation and damnation. Some of us like to approach you at bus stops with articles about how awesome creationism is!

    Some of us think drinking caffeine is a sin. Some of us think praying can cure illnesses. Some of us are jean claude van damme.

    Some of us don't believe in any of it. Some of us sit home on Sunday and eat doritos for breakfast. And some of us may or may not repent on our death beds. It really does depend on the type of death. If you fall down a mineshaft by accident, i dont think it gives you sufficient time to ask Zeus, Jesus or Allah for forgiveness. Or Xenu.

    so, my point (and its a very astute, erudite point. also, a bit articulate) is that...

    I saw this car again today. And I believe this woman is a fool. You are free to be Catholic. Hell, youre even free to be a scientologist. And you're free to express your stupid views on your car. But. I think you shouldn't. Or wait....maybe you should?

    new bumper stickers on my car:

    Take the blu-tooth out of your ear. No one is talking to you right now, so why is it still in your ear? I hope you get an ear infection from that thing. Do you still drink that pink bubblegum-y stuff if you have an ear infection? was that just for kids?

    Stop texting and driving, you're a jerk. I wish texting wasn't invented because of people like you. You make me very angry. I'm gonna text the police department right now and report you..type type type-
    OH SHIT I HIT YOU! I AM NOW A HYPOCRITE, SHIT!


    Oh hi, smart car driver. that thing is TINY! lol


    the end
    Thursday, December 18th, 2008
    10:13 pm
    I think more people would like eggnog if it was just called nog.
    Monday, December 15th, 2008
    10:59 pm
    christmas spirit embiggens us all
    Annual Exchange of Gift Cards aka Christmas

    A Real life true 100% unfake excerpt from a gift card exchange last xmas


    Merry Christmas, Ann!

    Oh, Agnes, a gift card to Lowe's! I'm going to buy a hammer. Or maybe a toilet seat cover. The possibilities are endless. Thank you!

    Yep, merry christmas! Ohh, what's this little card-shaped object? Hmm! Lemme just unwrap this....wow, lots of tape here...duct tape, Ann? Really? Well, oh, here we go! Oh...hey... you got me a gift card to....Oh...Linens N Things....Um.

    What is it? Didn't you say that you needed a new shower curtain rod?

    I sure do. It's just that, well...that store kinda went out of business..

    Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know. But maybe you could've just NOT told me? Do you have ANY manners? It's the FUCKING THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, AGNES!
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