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| Monday, November 30th, 2009 | | 6:55 pm |
Best breakfast item?
Why are all of the writer's blocks questions always about computers and the interwebs? Really. Stop asking me how I visit websites, or what soon-to-be-obsolete-in-two-months electronic device I bought on Cyber Monday. Before the internet, was there a Telephone Monday? Or a Catalog Monday? Writer's Block: Have you ever tried that pancake batter called Batter Blaster? It would be an honor to answer your question, Writer's Block. Oh, Batter Blaster. Here it is http://www.batterblaster.com/I haven't tried it yet. My mom gave me a can, but it was expired (why does she always give me expired food..) But I would love to try it! haha. I feel that I am becoming too food snobby. I won't buy boxed brownies anymore. Or Aunt Jemima pancake batter. You know what? I need to lighten up, and try some pancakes from a spray can. Writer's Block 2: Will you marry me? Well, geez...Writer's Block, I hardly know you...You're moving too fast. Sometimes I wish that people still wrote letters. Not even snail mail letters. You could write a nice, long e-mail. It would just prove that someone really cared about you. They sat down and wrote a nice, long letter to you. What would they do now? Twitter you a 140 character message that is barely coherent. WHATEVER. :( I'm gonna write a snail mail letter to my mom and see if she gets freaked out (i'm not really gonna do that) | | Sunday, November 29th, 2009 | | 3:57 pm |
Today I was watching an infomerial for a cooking product. Basically, it was a glorified hot plate. The woman (let's call her Aunt Horty) was showing her clueless friend (let's call him Dumbass) how EASY cooking could be if you simply used Glorified Hot plate. Dontcha just hate how hard it is to cook an omelet, Dumbass? Sure do, Horty. Well, just use my Glorified Hot Plate and presto! Omelets have never been easier! There was just one big problem. The omelet looked like a quiche! I really thought she made a quiche when she pulled that thing out of the Hot Plate. Ugh! I bet it was nasty. Okay, let's not give up on Hot Plate yet. Does it make delicious pizza? Okay, first. I had a big problem with Horty making pizza in this stupid contraption. Are we so lazy that we can't put a pizza in the oven? Really? We need to use this stupid thing?! WHY?!?!?! How hard is it to pop a pizza in the oven! The pizza looked too thick and too crunchy. Some might like that, but I do not. I have a feeling the pizza sucked. But Dumbass sure loved it. I bet he likes anything...... Even corn dogs. Yes, Horty made corn dogs. CORN DOGS!!! No, they did not resemble the corn dogs from your youth. She made some freaky type of corn dog casserole. The batter was poured into the hot plate with bits of hot dog. WHAT. WOULD WOULD EAT THAT!? Besides Dumbass, obviously. Oh God! And the stuffed frenh toast! UGH! It looked like a panini! Who buys these products?!?!?! French toast is easy to make. Corn dogs are for children. Pizza takes 15 minutes in the oven! WTF, I type. Come on, Horty! You disgust me. DISGUST ME I can't remember what the product was called. I just have no idea why it needs to exist. Time to go cry about it. | | Monday, November 23rd, 2009 | | 10:40 pm |
Writer's Block: I hate to bring this up ...
yes. Chaz Billingsworth, you were my wonderful secret husband. For nearly 30 years, you quietly hid in my basement, so my husband Hortberto would not find you. Remember the times we had at Bob's Disco Shack back in the 70s? You had no qualms about living in the (very spacious, if I do say so) basement. But, one day, you stupidly did laundry on a Wednesday. I CLEARLY told you that Hortberto does laundry on Wednesdays! He found your load of tightie whities in the dryer and that was the end of my marriage. Some people wonder why he never noticed your bed, living room and mini fridge in the basement. Well, Hortberto was not a smart man. Well, anyway, Chaz. After Hortberto moved out of the house, you moved upstairs. Things were going great. However, you never ate my chicken piccata. That really made me upset. You told me that capers made you gag. However, I would always soak the capers JUST FOR YOU so they wouldn't be so potent. STILL, you wouldn't touch my chicken piccata. What was your PROBLEM? That was my grandma Betsy's recipe straight from England. Did you care? no. You were so horribly rude. I packed up all of your stuff and sent you packing. That was 10 years ago, and we haven't talked since. Well, I've poked you on Facebook, and you tagged me in some old photos, but that's it. We have not spoken. I think it's time for me to say... Can I friend your new wife on Facebook? What? no, i don't want to stalk her! Geez. I just wanna be friends, okay? Does SHE make chicken piccata? HA. I bet she doesnt cook at ALL! Ahem. I think I'm going to make pumpkin pie for thanksgiving. I am soooo traditional | | Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 | | 9:13 pm |
Huh?
I don't know what to believe anymore! Wasn't last month all about breast cancer awareness?! ALL MONTH. PINK RIBBONS EVERYWHERE. Pink ribbons on cars. Pink ribbons on cans of tomato soup. Pink ribbons on bigger pink ribbons. Check your breasts for lumps. Now! When you're young! Early detectio- OH, hold it. Hold it, girls. Stop groping yourselves. Let me see some ID. Ah, you're only 30. Well, could you maybe hold off on the lump checking for another 20 years or so? OTHER MEDICAL CHANGES OCCURING SOONLY: Anyone under 30 can only go to the doctor if it's a complete emergency. When NOT to go: You have a fever You contracted a simple STD You stepped on a rusty nail and haven't had a tetanus shot since the Clinton administration You blew off your arm in a botched diet soda-mentos experiment (you used dynamite by accident) You are pregnant When to go: You are so delirious from fever that you went on Amazon.com and sent all your friends a copy of Sarah Palin's book for Christmas. You contracted an STD, swine flu and tuberculosis in the same day. You stepped on a rusty nail and havent had a tetanus shot since the Nixon administration You blew off your arm in a botched self examination of your breasts. (you used dynamite by accident) You are a pregnant. And you're 50. And you're a man. in phonely news: I dunno why i bought a new cell phone with a full keyboard. i don't text! I just though the phone looked so neat! And it has good reception....for now. in cat news: my cat is awful. i think i have to bring her to the vet to find out why she's so evil. if it's really just her personality, why should i keep her? would you keep an awful child? No. you send it to boarding school! | | Thursday, November 12th, 2009 | | 11:47 pm |
Writer's Block: Talking Turkey
The internet is coming over bright and early to help me prepare the turkey. Internet's usually a night owl, so I really appreciate Internet's help. Internet will scoop out the giblets, peel the potatoes and chop the carrots. Internet is such a good friend. I'm so glad to have internet. Lazy ass Television won't be waking up until 11am...Don't get me STARTED on Cell Phone. The bastard spends all day texting. Sure, use your fingers to TEXT, but don't bother to use your fingers to set the table!!!!!!!! INTERNET IS ALWAYS HERE FOR ME | | Wednesday, November 11th, 2009 | | 1:23 am |
Writer's Block: Famous last words
'Can you put on Fox News? I want to hear Bill O'Reilly's voice as I fade away into the next world.' 'Come, my child..come to the...No-Spin Zone' 'Bill! How nice of you to allow me into heaven, even though I did not follow pascal's wager like you did.' 'WHAT. You are not a bold, fresh piece of humanity! Get out of here!' He's so mean.. | | Sunday, November 8th, 2009 | | 12:56 pm |
Writer's Block: Green-eyed monster
I think these writer's block questions are so fucking stupid. I am just confused by this question. So, what if Chaz Billingsworth (my husband of 50 years) said he would sleep with a celebrity that I like? Would I be okay with that? Chaz, of course I wouldn't mind if you slept with Ron Livingston! Opposed to.. CHAZ, what do you MEAN you want to sleep with that guy with the awful haircut on that Bravo real estate show?! Why, I never! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Yes, my husband is gay. SO? You got a problem with that? | | Thursday, November 5th, 2009 | | 10:15 pm |
| | 10:07 pm |
Writer's Block: Last supper
OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM DYING TONIGHT, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, WHAT, IT'S THE END!!!!! SO SOON, I LOVED LIFE! I DID, I DID, I WAS NEVER NEGATIVE, OH GOD I NEVER WENT TO EUROPE, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH But i do believe i'll order the salmon with the dill sauce. And some garlic mashed potatoes. Thanks. FUCK. THIS IS THE END!!! | | Sunday, November 1st, 2009 | | 8:37 pm |
| | Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 | | 9:19 pm |
WHAT A DAY- don't make fun of nascar, ever. you'll see. oh, just wait and see. soon, cars will drive themselves. robo-cars. you'll just be the blob of fat and bones watching the road. You serve NO purpose anymore. But, a few select humans will know how to drive a car. Automatic. not manual. c'mon! it'll be 2050 by then. These humans are currently known as nascar drivers. in the future, they will be known as....nascar drivers. BUT. they'll hold much more prestige. you know how they hold zero prestige now? well, in 50 years, they'll be very prestigious. if newspapers still existed, they'd grace every damn front page. 'dad, take me to see the guys who drive!' 'okay, son, hey, son, did you know that i once drove a car?' 'yea, yea, dad. you drove a bumper car in 2030 at the carnival...' '....yeah...' SO YES.SURE, LAUGH AT NASCAR NOW. But you'll see! YOU'LL SEE...AHAHAHAH | | Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 | | 12:34 pm |
i write to myself all alone in my journal | | Monday, October 5th, 2009 | | 6:36 pm |
I believe that white people are racist against me. I am white. But I am extremely white. The less white despise me. They think I'm disgusting. My skin color is so revolting to their eyes. These less-white often mock me, asking me why I don't go sit out in the sun. They laugh when I DO sit in the sun and burn and then quickly turn back to pure white. They don't accept me for who I am. I feel shame about my skin color. I don't know who to turn to. Black people know what it's like to be hated simply because of their skin color. And so would someone who was born purple. But these people won't accept me.... no one will. I AM ALONE. ALONE. Here I sit, on my white bedsheets, completely blending in (my outfit is also white) Who do i turn to?? Who knows my shame? Racism lives on. The ultra-whites are hated by the tanned-whites. This needs to end. Why can't we all just get along? I DIDNT ASK TO BE BORN THIS WAY, I WOULD LOVE A GLOWING TAN! | | Monday, September 21st, 2009 | | 6:31 pm |
Writer's Block: Are women or men bigger cheats?
probably men. i think men are riskier than women. Plus, how does anyone cheat anymore? Everyone has a cell phone now. It's been my experience that a lot of modern day couples have nonstop communication with each other because of phones. Wouldn't the bleep bleep of your cell phone make you too guilty to cheat? 'quick, bob, i need to get home before 6pm to make my husband some hamburger helper-' beep beep beep 'oh shit, he's texting me! fuck, if i dont answer right away, he'll just know i'm cheating! i gotta go, bob!' see? Cell phones should END CHEATING FOREVER. I really would like to know what cheating people do when their cell phones go off. What lie do you make up? Oh, i know i usually text you every second, even when we're having sex, but uhhhhh....umm...the cell phone tower where i get my signal collapsed! Oh, you didnt hear about that? It didnt make the news. Cell phone towers collapse all the time, ya know.....yes, perhaps we should see other people..' | | Thursday, September 17th, 2009 | | 9:58 pm |
o ok
You know, I don't know what's more embarrassing: obsessive Dasani drinking or obsessive Purelling (it's a word) Oh, how about a person who only drinks from bottled water AND purells constantly? Little known fact: prior to the advent of bottled water, every human being died from tap water poisoning, except people who only drank beer. Thanks to those fine folks, the human race rebounded! Other fact: prior to every purse and pocket containing a bottle of purell, humans battled year long colds. There was not a day when humans felt reprieve. On may 6th, 1985, (one day before my birth. just a fun fact) approximately 20 MILLION! Americans called in sick. The president KNEW something had to be done about our constant colds! Pretty soon, Nyquil would become so rich and powerful that it would overthrow the government and make sure we NEVER got cured. SO. President Nixon (is that right? yes, yes i do believe so) and vice president al gore devised a magnificant plan to quell the coughs and end the aches plaguing americans. They invaded Grenada. Americans always had a strong desire to invade that land of delicious nutmeg. Ah, nutmeg! Not only does it taste EXCELLENT in desserts and squash, but it also has drug-like effects. I guess that means it's a drug. Whatever. So, Nixon and Gore sent our troops into Grenada to steal 50 million pounds of nutmeg. Soon, Americans were ditching their nyquil and eating nutmeg-laced food items. Almost instantly, everyone felt much better. Well, except those people that get flu-like symptoms from nutmeg. but nixon and gore sent those people to guantanamo bay. they're un-american, anyway. who hates nutmeg? | | Sunday, September 13th, 2009 | | 10:05 pm |
Writer's Block: Do you see psychics in your future?
An...online psychic? 'Casey, I cannot attend your graduation. Miss Neslea, from the renowned Psychics Connectionz facebook group said I would DIE if I went outside!' Wow. At least I know...I'm not crazy enough to take an online psychic seriously.....there is still hope for me. | | Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 | | 7:18 pm |
| | Monday, September 7th, 2009 | | 3:41 pm |
Writer's Block: Three-day weekend
i found a wonderful blueberry muffin recipe on allrecipes.com. it was called TO DIE FOR blueberry muffins. i didn't feel like dying after i ate them, but they were pretty good. OMG LIKE TOTALLY RU 4REAL | | Thursday, August 27th, 2009 | | 5:20 pm |
Writer's Block: Thanks to Technology…
E-stalk with much ease. How much did the neighbors pay for their house? zillow.com it! Has Richie fathered any more kids? facebook.com! I am so annoyed at everything, and i hate everyone, especially those stupid democrats. How will i ever immediately and barely coherently blabber about my crazy views? Any newspaper's website's comment section! Bob said he's 30. Is he lying? Zabaseach.com will give his real age! I have too much money. What can I do? Allow someone to scam you through e-mail! wait, that's not new.. Allow someone to scam you through......twitter? Yea! (how, i don't know. i'm sure it's happened) | | 5:07 pm |
What a day. Oh yeah. I decided that the worst, most sleep inducing 'tell-all' would be a book called 'confessions of a medicare claims processor' chapter 2: No-fault claims...or are they? This riveting chapter is all about how automobile accident files stay open for years, because no one ever calls Medicare to close them. so, lots of claims improperly get denied for being auto-related when they're not! GASP. How will the claims processor handle THAT situation?! You'll just have to buy my book to find out, sorry! 15 dollars plus tax. 15.01 in canada. |
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